updates

my life now revolves around how quickly netflix can get the new season of Weeds to my house.

u-turn is dead. my mind is blown.

please stop

I'm a pretty quiet person. I know that I don't intentionally go out and try to make people feel like shit - so, what provokes some people to do it to me? I don't know - maybe I did do something wrong to them - but if I did I know I've said sorry by now. 

It's happened multiple times now - and still I've never even confronted anyone about it. Because of my nature, I am forced to let things slide. I don't think I even have the ability to confront someone, no matter how bad they fuck me over. And a lot of people realize this I think. Some people even seem to have made plans a couple years ago to fuck me and then continue to do so throughout the course of time we may know each other. Some people know how to use time to their advantage too well. They think, okay well I'm not happy, let's see what Brody is doing - then bam - I wind up fucked... but then, this is where they really show how good they are at this; they give it some time. They give it enough time for me to be pretty much over it - and then make me fall for it all over again. Genius. 

I am probably completely oblivious to most of the things I do. Which means I very well could've hurt someone else and made them feel like shit - but they HAVE to understand that I did not mean to and am sorry for whatever it was. So, please stop. And I will try my best as well to not let it happen again. I think we would all be happier.

French toast? What shape?

May has not treated me well. I thought May would be the best month ever; I finished my first year of college - then got kicked out. I went home for a week - I have changed too much to enjoy it. I tried to get back into college - didn't work. 

Honestly, I think the coolest thing that's happened to me all month was getting in a bike wreck. I'm stoked on the scars I'm gonna have.

The name of the game

is turn it to shit.

 

Scabs would be nice

I wrecked my bike today. It hurts pretty bad. At the time it didn't hurt as bad physically, I was just really embarrassed. But then once I got home I realized how bad it actually was. I am glad it happened though. Pretty proud of it you know. I think if you want to be someone with experience in something - that's a good thing to have under your belt. My wounds did this thing where, instead of scabbing up - they have "gooed up." I know, I know... gross. But still it's pretty cool. And best of all - no damages at all to my bike!

Today was a good relax day. I'm glad to be back in Muncie.

Guess what I did today!

Give up?
I had a great day! By far the best day I've had in a week. The curse is broken! There were some things that I wish would've happened that could have made it better - but oh well, I'm over it. Still a grand day!
I also decided to go home tomorrow rather than Wednesday. I was originally gonna stay tomorrow to continue hanging out with people, but it seems everyone has had enough of me (completely understandable). I have barked up too many wrong trees I suppose. I would only ride my bike all over the damn place (which is awesome - but quite literally all I have done since being here).

Overall, my time back at my mom's house has taught me a lot. Like - it sucks sleeping on a couch for a week being this goofishly tall - I enjoy hanging out with my brother, dad and stepmom more than most of my old friends here - and if you give someone an inch they will take a mile.

The only bad thing about today was that I tested a hypothesis (that I hoped was false) and it turned out to be true. Not bad really, just pretty disappointed. I am too nice to some people - the ones who don't deserve it. And then I catch myself being an ass to people like mom who give me everything in the world. I piss myself off.

Anyway, if I saw you this week - it wasn't for as long as I had hoped, I promise - but thanks for letting me in at all. If you're in Muncie soon, call me. Even if it's not soon... there is a 98% chance I will be there - and a 100% fact that I will want to see you.

HELP WANTED

Today I rode my bike literally all day. I left my house at 1:30 pm and did not return until 9:30 pm. It was awesome.
But of course something terrible had to happen to ruin the entire day... I was on my way back home from my dad's and riding down Miller Avenue in Marion when I saw a dog get hit by a car. I almost fell off my bike. It hurt me so bad (dramatic and true). I seriously, for the first time in my life, believe in curses. Ever since I came to visit home nearly a week ago, it seems like I've been having just alright days, usually with at least one really shitty thing happening. I'm tired of it.
I thought about just staying inside the next few days I'm here, which are also the last few days I'm here. But I know I can't do that. That would be shitty in and of itself.
I do want to see people, but only certain people now - and they aren't having it. So... well, I dunno.
Although it's completely irrational - I want to become vegetarian now. I've always kinda picked on vegetarians, and not because I'm actually against vegetarianism, but because most the vegetarians I've talked to are into it because they are slaves to trends. But after seeing that dog die, I feel like it's something I need to do. The worst thing of all is: I know there is no chance in Hell I could do it. So my plan is to find another non-veg and make a bet with them; semi high stakes. Just so I can be sure to do it.
R.I.P. unknown dog on Miller Ave.

I was wrong wrong wrong.

I don't feel insignificant, nor do I feel old. Just no longer immortal. I have been in Gas City for a few days now, sleeping on my mom's couch, and I have to admit - I'm not having nearly as much fun as I though I would in Gas City. I have been having bad dreams... it's weird to talk about, but seriously awful dreams. I think everyone has had those dreams where they're running away from someone who is after them, but the other night was the first time I had one where the dude caught me, and then killed me. It was fucked up. It was one of the most terrible things I've went through in awhile. I woke up and just sat on my mom's couch with the light on. I felt miserable.
I thought I would be so excited to see and hang out with some people here, but really it's been kind of a disappointment - then again maybe I'm the disappointing one. I think I truly have just become too ingrained with Muncie and a completely different lifestyle than the one I'm sorta forced to live while I'm here. I'm not at all myself when I'm here anymore. I'm a quiet little weirdo now when I'm in Grant County. I have nothing in common with these people anymore. Not a thing to say to them. I'm ready to go back. It's just so ironic to me because I was sure that I was gonna hate going back to Muncie, but now it seems like it can't come soon enough.
I miss my roommates. I miss my friends there. I even miss the terrible fucking roads that give me a flat tire everytime I ride on them. Gas City/Marion are facades of home. There is absolutely nothing for me here. Nothing but conservative Christians making me extremely uncomfortable - and pill heads making me just as extremely uncomfortable.
I can't wait to go back. I need to go back. I can't wait to go back.
Come say hi sometime.

Uncovering the Old

Not being able to express myself to someone at the time I need to is a big problem of mine. I always think of something I should say or do for someone I've been thinking of, but then when it's time to put up, I shut up. 

I always think immediately afterwards, man, why didn't I say this or that, and I will continue you to think of great things I could've said or done at the time when it would've mattered, but by then it obviously doesn't matter.

I got kicked out of college today. I stressed over it for a few hours. But I'm over it now. I'm still not exactly sure what I'm going to do about it, and really it could seriously affect my life, but I was sitting here thinking about it earlier and I realized that though they can deny me an education at their university, they cannot deny me my home, my clothes, my mom, my movies, my bike, my music, my job, my friends, my good friends, or the insane amount of love I have for all of these things. The reason they can't deny me these things is because I will never let them. These things are safe with me, and these things can count on that. I can count on them. My life is sustained through them. Not an education at their university. 

gutter mouth, rutter butt

I feel like God has almost become a back up plan for me. That's never what I intended or thought would happen in my life. So why has it happened? I think God must've just planned it that way.

looking back

at february 2009 I am hoping march brings more joy. spenser got a perm today. so far so good.

let her cry

as weird as it is ive been listening to a lot of hootie and the blowfish. let her cry is moving. 

not to sound dramatic but i think im depressed. i just found out my dog has been dead for a week through a voicemail from my sister. 

my mom is on vacation.

fuck my life.

pray for me.

Your children want to be free!

What an insanely average day.

Academic probation meeting in 7 hours. I thought about skipping it but that would just make me look like even more of a low life than I actually am. I'll go. 

I've been feeling presidential. Like a man on fire.

New eyes. New sights. New lights. New life. 

All my bearded friends ride their bikes even when it's cold outside. They don't give a shit. They'll go home. Get stoned.

I'm not going to last in college. Though I did recently have an idea that may just help me a little.

eating cigs

nicotine. fashion queen. one is soon. one is seen.

double diamond. empire envy. ink evolving. spun me. spin me.

human excellence

...speaking of, my history professor said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." just as we were leaving her class today. It was like one of those things you see in movies where there are crazy teachers yelling inspirational metaphors at you while you leave, as if to give you something to chew on while you go do something else. I have no idea what her's meant or who originally said it, but it sounds like it would mean something pretty significant to someone. Then she said, "Human excellence!" just as I was a few feet out of the room. I thought it was something worth writing down so I'll remember it.